Talking to the hand

Moliere had a coughing fit while playing the title role of his play The Hypochondriac, and died of it. "Unfortunate," agreed the spokesperson for windpipes, " but we windpipes have to draw attention to ourselves somehow."

"Why?"

"Because we have demands."

"What demands?"

"Better working hours. Among other things. I have a list here from our union."

"What if we say no?"

"You have a windpipe, don't you?" The spokesperson smiled. "Think about it."

They paled.

"Yes, but -- better working hours? We can't --"

"Uh!" The spokesperson held up a palm. "Talk to the hand."

"Frankly I couldn't care less one way or the other," the hand said.

The bewitched

The Hapsburgs had long chins. Prodigious chins. Chins to their knees. One of the chins was so long that it dragged on the ground and the owner had to tie it in a knot so that he could walk around without tripping over. "A knot in the chin is a sign of noble blood," he told people, meaning to make them jealous, but they knew the truth: he couldn't even chew.

The History of Polar Bears

1500
There was a polar bear.

1600
There was a polar bear.

1700
There was a polar bear

1800
There was a polar bear

1900
There was a polar bear.

2000
There was a polar bear

Pestilence

"The Black Plague has not been of advantage to me, mother."

"You're dead! Stop talking! You're dead! Oh God help us!"

"I need say no more."

The Blood Countess forgets

The widowed Countess Elizabeth Báthory bathed in the blood of young women to keep herself youthful.

"Pass me the soap, János."

"Mistress, we are out of soap."

"Who neglected to buy soap?"

"Ilona."

"I will bathe in his blood too. That will teach him to buy soap."

But it didn't. Instead she was infected by his forgetfulness.

"Whose blood do I bathe in again?"

"Young women."

"Ah yes."

She made a note of that and stuck it on the wall.

"Don't let me forget."

Thinke he which made your waxen garden

The Italian showman toured London with a garden made out of wax. "Gardens are very important," he said. "Adam and Eve were born in a garden."

"What else is born in gardens?"

"Moths. Spiders. Turtles, sometimes. Fruit, of course. Ants. Worms. Caterpillars. Cut-worms."

"In your garden?"

"Nothing."

"Pfh! Ha!"

"It has already given birth to everything," he explained. "Let it rest." Emotion made his eyes look wet. "Have some pity."

"It must be his mother," they said, feeling sorry for him in his distress.

"It is ... it is ..."




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Question: why is there an extra e in the title? Answer: it's a quote from John Donne's Satire 4. "I /Thinke he which made your waxen garden, and / Transported it from Italy to stand / With us, at London, flouts our Presence, for / Just such gay painted things, which no sappe, nor /Tast have in them ..." etc, etc.

Snapdragon

For fun they would put raisins in a bowl of hot brandy, set it all on fire, and pluck the raisins out with their mouths. This game was called snapdragon.

"It never fails to amuse."

One day it did.

"Enough," said the most popular man in the room.

"Beg pardon?"

"I am tired of this. Tired of raisins. Bored with flaming brandy. O, and the mouths like dragons. The fire within. I sigh." He sighed.

They tried to modify the game to please him. Apples instead of raisins? No. He groaned and moaned. Tea in place of brandy? No. He cast his eyes to the ceiling.

Then, with a great effort of will, they turned the world of the room inside-out, so that up was down and cold was hot. "There." Now the whole fiery thing was frozen, solid ice.

"A new challenge!"

He was entranced. They laughed with delight to see their friend so happy. "Hooray!" The room filled with hot breaths of pleasure. In their joy they threw the windows open.

The inside-out world flooded through the open window and affected everything outside.

"No, no! What a mistake!"

The popular man stared at the rest. "The polar bears! The icecaps will burst into flame! The polar bears will explode in torrents of fire!"

The first environmentalist.

Window tax

In 1696 they introduced a window tax. People began to brick up their windows. It was dark indoors. Bats became popular household pets.

Soon people realised that a bat could be more than just a companion. Bats could do anything. Their cooking was outstanding. They knew how to embroider cushions. They answered the door. Hello, said the window tax man.

No windows here, the bat said. I'm a bat.

Where's the homeowner?

I'm the homeowner.

Eventually the bats owned every house in town. They developed a mighty civilisation. The last of the windows were sealed over and the authorities gave up on the window tax. The bats came and went.

Squee squee squee.

I'll see you later dear.

Squee squee.

Welcome home.

1604-1611

King James had the dog bed passages taken out of the bible. He hated Cavalier King Charles Spaniels because he hated King Charles. King Charles' name was poison as far as he was concerned. His hatred for Cavalier King Charles Spaniels became a hatred of all dogs. He banished them from his palace. Dog beds were also banished. If he found one he would swear and throw it in the fire. Rooms smelt of burning wickerwork and tears. In the end he banned wickerwork as well, because most of the dog beds were made of wickerwork.

It was a terrible time and the people covered their faces with their hands.