Executions

Socrates sipped the hemlock. Well, it was no good. Tasted of sugar.

"Less sugar," he said. "This is not the ideal way to die."

The executioner went back to his boss. "He said no sugar."

"He can take what he's given."

The executioner returned to Socrates, who debated with him for perhaps three hours on the subject, proving philosophical paradoxes until the executioner in exasperation said, "Oh, here, I'll drink it," and did, and died.

Tut

The Nile went up, the Nile went down, and so the crops were watered.

"Marvellous," said the Ancient Egyptians. "It happened again. Hooray for the king."

They believed it was the king doing it, with his godlike powers. The king believed it as well. Everyone did. Even the crocodiles believed it. One crocodile believed that the regular motions of the water were making his teeth hurt, and he went to the king to ask him to stop.

"I'll tell you what I can do for you," the king said, leaning down graciously. "I can have your brains pulled out of your nose with a hook. Then we'll stuff your internal organs in jars and you can stay in my pyramid with me after I'm dead. How does that sound?"

"No thank you."

"You're very picky."

"I'm not picky," the crocodile said. "I like my privacy, that's all."

China, around the 5th century BC or so.

The Chinese liked eating pork so much that when someone first proposed that they build a great wall, this person said, "We should build it of pig bones."

"They're not strong enough."

"They hold up pigs. Why shouldn't they hold up a wall?"

Of course that was a good answer, so they built a great wall of bones.

The day after it was finished the wall was eaten by dogs.

"An unforeseen calamity!"

"Next time we choose a building material we must consult the opinions and manners of the animal kingdom first."

This they did, and you can still see the result today.

Moral: Always consider others.

Ancient Rome: cutlery

The Ancient Romans wore white tablecloths. Sometimes they would wake up to find strangers arranging knives, forks and spoons on their stomachs.

"Stop that!"

"Lie still, we want to have dinner. We are having guests over."

The woken Roman urgently absorbed the souls of the utensils so that they were physically present but unable to fulfil their roles.

It was an age of spiritless cutlery.

40 000 years ago or somewhere around there.

A young shark was swimming in the Timor Sea when it found itself in mid-air many centuries ago. The ground below was dry and a man was cutting the throat of an animal. "Help me," the shark gasped. It could barely breathe.

"I am sorry but I cannot speak with you. Shark is not my animal," the man said. "The person you want is over there."

The shark tried to swim to the other person but its breath failed and it fainted. Then it was in the water again, in the present day.

"I had a terrible dream," it said.

"You saw the ancient land-bridge," said an old shark. "Now you are a man."

At this the shark grew legs and the other sharks ate him.

2 BC

The Arabs invented dog-walking. Before the Arabs, everyone swam their dogs. Then the Arabs said, "Dogs! Get up and walk!" It was like Lazarus. "Dogs! Throw away your mattresses!" The dogs threw away their dog beds, up in the air, and there was an eclipse of dog beds that lasted for thirty days. The dogs got up and walked. Then in the darkness packs of wolves roamed the earth, eating people. The people said, "God! Help us!" and God said, "I'd like to but there's all these dog beds in the way."

These facts have been omitted from the bible. More on that later.

Ancient Rome: bay leaves

She was cooking. "You must not eat a bay leaf," he said.

The Ancient Romans know not to eat bay leaves. Bay leaves were their greatest poison. At least six philosophers died eating bay leaves. "They are not so smart after all," the other Romans said. Doubting philosophy, they decided to trust force instead, and flourished until they were slain.

Caterpillars that hatched from eggs laid on bay leaves were extraordinarily intelligent, with the intelligence of philosophers. Today's Romans are the descendants of those caterpillars.