More demolitions: last year.

A woman used to live on Croker Street. She said, "When I grow very old, I will come down the driveway in the mornings wearing my dressing gown. I will collect my mail like this. Then everyone will know who I am."

This she did. Later, soon after she had died, they took out certain parts of the house and laid them on the nature strip outside. Once they had removed the shelf with the sky-blue backing and pictures of geese wearing neckbands, they could demolish the house. After the house was gone, and the garden, and the mailbox as well, they built two ugly units.

Now her driveway is underneath a room. Her ghost moves restlessly through that room at night leaving behind the webbed footprints of a goose.

Zim, 1980

Ian Smith stepped down and Zimbabwe was independent. Birds sang in different colours. Fish whistled like a choir. Plums ripened in your hand. Zexie Manatsa woke from a dreamless sleep when the full moon was at its apex and and played Chipo Chiroorwa on three instruments simultaneously, the accordion, the grand piano, and the marimba, using limbs that he hadn't known he had.

Today inflation in Zimbabwe is so high that people struggle to buy bread. But the plums still taste good.

Television, the 1930s.

One day no families had televisions; a little later every family had televisions. There was a transitional period when only one family had a television. They were the pioneers.

"What do we do with it?" they asked. It was blank.

"You'll be able to watch shows on it, like a theatre."

"How much of the actors will we be able to see?" they said, looking at the small size of the screen. "Their feet?"

"No, no. The actors will be tiny. About this big." The inventor held his hands a foot apart.

A matriarch stepped forth. "Little people! You'll be bringing the Little People into my home! Pixies! Brownies! The milk will sour! The babies will turn into changelings!"

The inventor hung his head. "Yes," he said. "Think, though: your shoes will always be mended."

They considered his offer.

Fashion: the 1800s.

People wore bustles and corsets.

No, not all people.

Women wore bustles and corsets.

No, not all women.

Women in certain societies wore bustles and corsets.

Every single one?

Women in certain societies were expected to wear bustles and corsets and many did.

What about the rest of humanity?

They suffered other constraints, as numerous as stars.

Newport, more demolitions, 2008

They knocked down one of the sheds at the cricket ground near Newport Station. Before knocking it down they removed the contents and put them on the grass: stools, plastic chairs, drawers, and bars of mauve and vanilla soap.

On the gravel afterwards a band of crested pigeons stood in a concrete formation that suggested the wise fortitude and vigilance of sheds.

A van came by and the pigeons blew away. Nearby the cricketers covered the grass with a white sheet.

2008, 150 Woods Street.

The developers knocked down houses in Newport and built ugly units. They were craven vultures with small, vicious brains.

One day, one of them bought 150 Woods Street. It was the most beautiful house in the world, with an art deco ceiling and a thousand different shades of wallpaper. The kitchen had a black bakelite telephone on the wall and the stove and the oven were iron.

In the back garden the developer found a concrete Aboriginal with a broken face. This person had outlived the owner. Unaffected by his spiritual presence, the developer knocked the house down.

A week later, the developer's vision was filled with the colours of a thousand different wallpapers, and when he put his hand to his face he knew that it was broken.

He lived like this forever.

Immigration, the Vikings

In 1970 Robert Plant came from the land of the ice and snow. He took his shirt off and grew his hair. He grew it down to his feet, due to the cold. So he moved around the countryside like a curly yeti, occasionally screaming unbidden. Children who saw him never got over it.

Most of today's politicians were once those children. His influence on foreign policy is incalculable

Modern conveniences: the lion

She kept a lion on top of her speaker. Why? To remind her of her distant ancestors, who had fought lions. Every time they killed a lion the ancestors had knelt and asked it for forgiveness. "We are sorry we killed you, although you were very much in the way."

But this lion was tiny, stuffed cloth, and would tell her nothing. The link she felt with the past was artificial.

He died in 1080.

Empress Giselda wasn't the only European royal who resembled a sea creature. The King of Swabia had long feet that sloped downwards at diagonal angles like the fork of a dolphin's tail. At night he dreamed of the deep sea and the things that live there: squid, whales, crustaceans, molluscs, and fish that lure other fish to their deaths with dangling, illuminated objects. He never told anyone, afraid that they would say he was the devil.

Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen, 1813

Once upon a time there was a man who was prejudiced against a pride. So the lions ate him.

The End.

Luxembourg, between 1038 and 1043.

Empress Giselda came to Echternach. She had huge, flat hands on her elbows. People held her hands and said, "They are like the ..." but none of them had ever seen a seal, so they didn't know the words that should have come next. "Like the flippers of a seal," they should have said. "Her hands are large and flat, like the flippers of a seal."

Now, after all these years, the sentence has been completed. Great things will come of it.

China, around the 5th century BC or so.

The Chinese liked eating pork so much that when someone first proposed that they build a great wall, this person said, "We should build it of pig bones."

"They're not strong enough."

"They hold up pigs. Why shouldn't they hold up a wall?"

Of course that was a good answer, so they built a great wall of bones.

The day after it was finished the wall was eaten by dogs.

"An unforeseen calamity!"

"Next time we choose a building material we must consult the opinions and manners of the animal kingdom first."

This they did, and you can still see the result today.

Moral: Always consider others.

The Aztecs dancing.

The Aztecs could cut off a person's head and turn it into a ball. They made footballs, tennis balls, golf balls, every kind of ball you can imagine. Their cities were filled with balls. Balls bounced up and down the ziggurats. The people learnt to avoid falling over by jumping and skipping. It was a very beautiful and rhythmic time, the cities full of coloured balls and the people dancing among them.

The Spanish conquered them easily.

Malawi, 10 AD

She was the greatest Baroque sculptor the world would ever know, but she was born at the wrong time, in the wrong place, and of the wrong sex. Her life ended as fruitlessly as it had begun.

The sea monster in 2002 and 2008

In 2002 they recorded an animal sound in a deep sea trench. It was a slow sound like a prolonged cry.

In 2008 Adam Gilchrist caught a Sri Lankan batsman behind. The ball popped off the Sri Lankan's bat into his hands and he was so surprised that through the stump microphone everyone heard him make the long sound of a deep sea monster.

In this moment science discovered a great genealogical secret. Australia won the match by one hundred and twenty-six runs.

Ancient Rome: cutlery

The Ancient Romans wore white tablecloths. Sometimes they would wake up to find strangers arranging knives, forks and spoons on their stomachs.

"Stop that!"

"Lie still, we want to have dinner. We are having guests over."

The woken Roman urgently absorbed the souls of the utensils so that they were physically present but unable to fulfil their roles.

It was an age of spiritless cutlery.

North America, 1899

It was a good time if you liked dynamite. One person wanted to blow up a mouse. Woosh! Bang! Squeak! Another person wanted to blow up a pie so they blew it up. It was extremely exciting. Apple everywhere! Even in the trees! Then a third person said, "These other people are cowards. I will only blow up things that are larger than myself." So he blew up his mother. However, this was only his misguided perception.

The end of 2007

He let his waters down. It was an age of fat men but he let his waters down. Eventually the icecaps melted and the extent of his plan became clear. He meant to enslave the polar bears. He caught one and rode it down the street. He put a piece of ice on the end of a stick and held it in front of the bear's face as he rode. They went to a cinema and saw The Golden Compass. The bear wept.

1604-1611

King James had the dog bed passages taken out of the bible. He hated Cavalier King Charles Spaniels because he hated King Charles. King Charles' name was poison as far as he was concerned. His hatred for Cavalier King Charles Spaniels became a hatred of all dogs. He banished them from his palace. Dog beds were also banished. If he found one he would swear and throw it in the fire. Rooms smelt of burning wickerwork and tears. In the end he banned wickerwork as well, because most of the dog beds were made of wickerwork.

It was a terrible time and the people covered their faces with their hands.

2012

People drove in little cars because they were rich and didn't need to transport anything except their own bodies. When they wanted food they drove somewhere, bought the food, and ate it. Soon there was nothing on the road but small cars and large trucks carrying food.

40 000 years ago or somewhere around there.

A young shark was swimming in the Timor Sea when it found itself in mid-air many centuries ago. The ground below was dry and a man was cutting the throat of an animal. "Help me," the shark gasped. It could barely breathe.

"I am sorry but I cannot speak with you. Shark is not my animal," the man said. "The person you want is over there."

The shark tried to swim to the other person but its breath failed and it fainted. Then it was in the water again, in the present day.

"I had a terrible dream," it said.

"You saw the ancient land-bridge," said an old shark. "Now you are a man."

At this the shark grew legs and the other sharks ate him.

2 BC

The Arabs invented dog-walking. Before the Arabs, everyone swam their dogs. Then the Arabs said, "Dogs! Get up and walk!" It was like Lazarus. "Dogs! Throw away your mattresses!" The dogs threw away their dog beds, up in the air, and there was an eclipse of dog beds that lasted for thirty days. The dogs got up and walked. Then in the darkness packs of wolves roamed the earth, eating people. The people said, "God! Help us!" and God said, "I'd like to but there's all these dog beds in the way."

These facts have been omitted from the bible. More on that later.

Ancient Rome: bay leaves

She was cooking. "You must not eat a bay leaf," he said.

The Ancient Romans know not to eat bay leaves. Bay leaves were their greatest poison. At least six philosophers died eating bay leaves. "They are not so smart after all," the other Romans said. Doubting philosophy, they decided to trust force instead, and flourished until they were slain.

Caterpillars that hatched from eggs laid on bay leaves were extraordinarily intelligent, with the intelligence of philosophers. Today's Romans are the descendants of those caterpillars.

1775, 1857, 2008

1775
There were the days when Paul Revere rode through the night, shouting, "Liberty, liberty!" Then a voice said, "Yes?" and he was so shocked he fell off his horse.

1857
There were the days when Paul Revere rode through the night on an elephant, shouting, "Liberty, liberty!" The sepoys mutinied.

2008
There were the days when Paul Revere rode through the night on a Vespa, shouting, "Liberty, liberty!" People said, "His time has come."