The Story of the Woodlouse

"Objects with wheels will make America great," said Henry Ford. "Fast-moving objects with wheels."

America listened. There was a frenzy of wheels. They put wheels on everything, even the trees. Trees whizzed up and down the mountains. Elms went fastest. Whole forests drove themselves down to Florida when they began feeling old.

"We're retired," they said. "Animals, birds, insects -- get out. Time to leave the nest. Go to college or something. Get a job."

The first animal to enter Harvard was a squirrel.

The first animal graduate to run for public office was a raccoon.

The first non-human president was a bald eagle. The eagle's detractors said that he had been chosen merely because he was photogenic.

They said, "The woodlouse didn't stand a chance."

They added, "Even though he had a better economic policy."

The Floating World

It was a dull day in Edo.

"I know," one of the prostitutes said. "I'll wear men's clothing. That should liven things up."

When her most reliable regular customer saw her in the new clothes he looked confused.

She said, "It is I, your favourite, Aya!"

He was filled with understanding.

"I'm gay!"

"No, no, you aren't."

"I am! I am! Look," he said to all of the other clients of the other prostitutes. They looked at Aya in her manly clothing.

"We're gay," they said. "We're all gay."

It was a revelation. So the clients fell into one another's beds and arms and the prostitutes became professional fishermen.

Marie Antoinette's shopping

"Marie Antoinette is a fool," people said.

To prove that they were wrong she ordered everything from them: shoes, food, dresses, hats, rose bushes and white wigs.

"Marie Antoinette is a fool," they said again.

She ordered more things: dog beds, cake, keys, curtains and cages.

"Marie Antoinette, what a moron," people said.

"Ha," she said to her friends, "I have made them change their tune. A victory."

Synchronicity

The town of Dunwich disappeared beneath the sea. You can still hear the church bells ringing underwater when the tide is right.

One night in 1980 the ringing was so loud that no one who lived near the coast could sleep. It was a noise like a wisdom tooth. The people gathered together and said, "We must hire someone to dive down there and muffle the bells."

"They will replace the clappers with pillows."

"They will line the bells with porridge."

"They will wear a diving helmet shaped like a bell and in that way achieve synchronicity."

As they were speaking, a figure swam down from the sky.

Before reascending it stole all of their doorbells.

China, 1227

As Genghis Khan lay dying he began to smile.

"Why do you smile, great one?"

"I am tortured by the memory of an event from my childhood, a terrible humiliation, witnessed by only one other person. That person died years ago. Now I will die, and so the humiliation will pass out of this world forever. This alone makes me pleased to die. Here I am the lord of my life at last. My kingdom, what is it to this? In a few moments I will have perfect rest, for the first time, knowing that this memory has been destroyed. That is why I smile."

"Mighty Khan, tell us! We wish to compose a vast biography of you in song so that you will never be forgotten. Every detail perfect. Whatever you tell us, even the worst thing, we will find forceful and impressive. We promise."

"Then I will tell you," he said. They leaned forward.

Modern conveniences: whales

In earlier times, telephone systems were so small that you could call the person at the switchboard and say plainly, "Put me through to my friend Joanne Smith please," and it could be done. This has not changed. The difference is that nowadays the switchboard operators are whales.

Each number struck sends out a sonar impulse, which is understood by the whales as one letter of a mysterious place-name.

Once it has identified the place-name, the whale plugs your telephone line into the correct spot on the board.

So we speak to them through sonar impulses. Every number is prefaced with an impulse meaning Please. The whales believe that we are fastidiously polite.

The History of Transylvania and Hungary.

In 1003, Stephen of Hungary defeated Gyula the Young of Transylvania, and Transylvania was absorbed into Hungary.

In 2008, the American Kellie Pickler said that she had never heard of Hungary.

The Transylvanians laughed.